Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Unending Anticipatory Grief

Okay. I spend enough time on Spousebuzz to realize that anticipatory grief is a pretty normal thing in the milspouse world.

My problem is that I can't turn it off, and there is no end in sight. Any day that Einstein flies is one where I fear for his safety. This isn't a problem with rational thought; trust me when I say that I know flying is safe, that Einstein is a good pilot (for a student, anyway!), that really pilot is a pretty safe job when all things are considered, and that in a training environment everyone is on their toes, etc etc etc. I get it.

I think about his death every single day. Several times each day. On the way to work. When I get to work. On my lunch break (what if they were looking for me while I was at McDonald's???). When I get home. While I wait for him to come home. I rehearse the knock, how it would happen if I was at work. It is to the point where I pick up the house before I leave in case he dies while I'm at work and I have people all over our house that night. I think about my clothes, and whether that is what I want to be wearing when they tell me my husband is dead.

The past few nights Einstein has gotten home later than anticipated for various reasons. I go into panic mode immediately, calling other wives to see if any of his flight mates are home. I'm not a wreck...it is just always there.

And I can't live like this for the rest of my life. If he were deployed, I could rationalize it. I would expect this level of obsession. But he is going to be flying nearly every day for the next ten years (hopefully! he's a grouch when he doesn't fly!) and I can't sustain this that long. I really can't. And I can't turn it off.

Seriously, how do other people cope?


loquita said...

I hope you saw this on SpouseBuzz today.


trying said...

Ah the joys of flying. and loving someone who does.

Its very normal to me know. Some men go to work in suits and deal with money, some deliver pizza's, my husband drops people out of the back of an airplane and tries not to get shot. All in a days work right? : )

I think whats important to remember is that its dangerous but its what they love and they are trained to be good. Really good. But I do tell him to be careful every morning, in every email, and at the end of every phone call.

When he was deployed I worried about someone taking down the plane but I also worried that something could just simply malfunction. And that worry is with me every time I know he's going up. CONUS or warzone.

I dont know if I'm just making it worse for you, I certainly dont mean too! I think that as time pass you get more used to it and you learn to just put the uneasiness of it all at ease. If that makes any sense.

If you want to email me my address is on my profile page.

Have faith in your husband, his abilities, his training and the mechs who work on his airplane. : )