Earlier this year one of our friends died. I posted about it then, and then took the post down because it was too soon, and it hurt too much and I just....didn't feel like talking about it.
It was a very different sort of grief then I had ever experienced before...unlike any loss I had known before.
For a variety of reasons- people moving on and feeling ready to talk about him, Einstein being at the same place in training, talking about things that we did with him, hearing songs on the radio that make me think of him, whatever- our friend has come up in conversation more and more in the past few weeks.
And suddenly, it's like it just happened, all over again. It scares me. I've never felt this before; always before, when I've lost some one, I've gone through all the stages of grief sequentially and neatly, like a good little girl.
The other night, lying in bed, I asked my husband if he had noticed it too. I asked him if it was causing the same fears it was in me; fears of plane crashes and knocks on the door. He said it was. I still don't know if I'm relieved or horrified that my husband is just as scared of that as I am.
But I do know that we miss you, my friend.
So I propose a toast: To absent friends.