Thank you

To the colleague who stepped on an emotional land mine today.

And then backed off, and said all the right things, asked questions that showed he cared, not voyeuristically but truly, and ended with out platitudes or any other expression of his feelings. Sometimes it is nice to have support that doesn't hinge on others guilt or interest, but on simple human kindness.

Things that make me...

Nervous: News from places where he might be deployed.
Scared: News of casualties in places where he might be deployed.
Cringe: Casual mention of the places that make me nervous and scared, in a blog post where I don't expect them.

I don't want to be holier than thou. I don't want to make it a thing. I don't want to...anything, really.

Except cry, because I don't know how to tell someone that the joke isn't funny, couldn't ever be funny, if you looked at news from that place the same way I do.

Putting life on hold

I realized today that, in a lot of ways, I put my life on hold when Einstein is out of town.

The realization came as I was trying to make some financial decisions (nothing major, just trying to decide what to do with extra gas and grocery money that we save when he is gone). I was looking at our finances, playing around with different scenarios, and I thought, well, I will just leave it until he gets home. Thankfully, he is never gone for more than a few months at a time, so I have the luxury of putting off decisions...but in this particular case, it is dumb to wait until he gets home. And since his communication is pretty limited, I don't want to waste his time with the decision. And then I realized...wow, I am putting off a lot of things, while he's gone...

Besides cleaning the house and shaving my legs. there are a few things that I really shouldn't be dragging my feet on, mostly professional decisions that have meaning for our life together. None of them are things that would drastically change our life, they are just things I would like to talk over with him. There is also a laundry list of silly things that I could totally take care of and he wouldn't even notice:

-Finding wall decor for our bedroom
-picking a color to paint the guest room
-buying more memory for my computer
-putting away our summer clothes
-reorganizing the kitchen drawers
-buying a new comforter for our bed

These are not earth shattering decisions. They aren't even things that we would discuss much. I just miss his input and help.

But that isn't enough of an excuse. He's gone too often for me to put life on hold when he's not here.

Phone holster

I've always thought that phone holsters were stupid.

After missing 2 calls (some of the last calls I'm expecting for a long while) I'm seriously considering pricing out a nice phone holster. Or two. The only problem is that my phone doesn't really work inside of the library, so it seems a little pointless.

Also, why is it that he always calls when I'm 1) away from my desk and/or 2) not in a position where I can take some time to talk to him? I spend hours at work typing policy, working on spreadsheets and other mundane administrative minutiae, but he always calls when I'm right in the middle of some sort of crisis.

I guess he just has a gift. :-D

How much do you share at work?

A friend recently shared with me that her coworkers had been horrified to find out (through a conversation with another spouse who happened to run into her while out at lunch with said coworkers) that her husband was deployed.

She hadn't said a word. Around here, where deployments are short but grindingly frequent, people rarely do. It's certainly not something I would share with my coworkers, much as I like them. Living in another community, with a long commute to work, makes it a little easier for me to separate the two "parts" of my life, so I don't worry too much about my coworkers "finding out" by my friend's dilemma made me think...

Were her coworkers justified in their hurt? Should she have confided in them? Would my coworkers be upset in a similar circumstance? Should I at least be telling my boss, or someone at work? For safety reasons, if nothing else?

It also made me think about what I call military voyeurism, for lack of a better term. I don't want sympathy, special treatment or sighs. In this community, there is plenty of support from other spouses, etc- my friend didn't need support, and definitely didn't want to deal with sighing, clucking or questions she can't answer, so she didn't say anything to her coworkers. Now she has two coworkers who are angry at her (I have been trying to figure out their logic, but not having a middle school mentality is hurting me on this one!).

I'm not planning to change my own plans and methods, but the situation did make me think.

Note to self

Try to remember that when Einstein is gone, you need to get out of the house and spend time with people.

And no, work doesn't count. It's great and all, but its not exactly restful.

One morning out of the house, and see how much better you feel??

It also helps to do dishes/laundry more than once every two weeks. Just saying.

/note to self

Murphy's law of TDY's strikes again

Maybe its because things just seem worse when he's gone, or maybe it really is Murphy out to get me, but as soon as he's TDY something always breaks, or some emergency crops up or whatever.

The worst part is that I then have to make decisions. I am normally a pretty go-to type of person. I don't mind making decisions.

But I also like talking those decisions over before I make them. With, you know, the person who 1) usually lives here and thus has a pretty good read on the situation; 2) is not prone to hysterics and 3) will be most impacted by any property damage/costs incurred/etc by whatever decision I make.

Unfortunately, I'm in the driver's seat with no one to bounce things off of.

If he doesn't like how things turn out, he can complain to the Air Force.

lame lame lame

That's how I feel right now.

I miss Einstein. He's TDY. This wouldn't be so bad, but for two things:

1) Two of our most wonderful friends got married this weekend. Weddings make me sappy...especially now.

2) The upcoming assignment-of-deployements...I keep thinking: this is my life now. My very alone life.

Sigh.

Wow, I'm pathetic. I apologize in advance to those who have it worse than I. Any tips for coping with short (relatively), VERY frequent deployments? Anyone????

I forgot how much this stinks

When Einstein and I were living a thousand miles apart, I came to a very deep understanding about how I reacted to him being gone. I actually wrote it all out on a sheet, so that I could look at it and be reminded that I wasn't crazy. My emotions had happened before and would happen again. Years of living apart taught me that I could pretty much handle it without tears, tremors or overwhelming loneliness, except for three points in our separation:

1) Immediately after we were apart. The first 2-4 days suck, no matter what.

2) The space between 2-3 weeks post separation. This is when I start to argue with him and snipe at him (if we are able to call eachother) or just start to plain resent him. I know it is just a defense mechanism; I'm angry with him, yes, but my reasons are ridiculous. Usually. There was this one time...but honestly, I pick fights (real or only in my head) in an attempt to make myself miss him less. Too bad it never works. I usually end up missing him AND being angry.

3) The last two weeks. I know from reading other folks' blogs that this isn't true for everyone. And while I feel the relief that this separation is almost over, I am too impatient! I want him home NOW! I get fidgety and uncomfortable and if we are talking on the phone our conversations become peppered with awkward pauses.

Einstein will be home in less than a week, now! So I am in full "try not to flip out" mode. My short little TDY to-do list is no where near done, and I've accepted that it is not going to get done. This is fine. I am trying to concentrate on doing a few things that will make it a little more homey around here...hopefully it will work!!

I feel like I just got a medal...

Retired mil-spouse co-worker: So I hear your husband is TDY?

Me: Yep. He's off doing xyz at ABC Base.

Co-worker: Oh. How long is he gone for?

Me: Only six weeks.

Co-worker: *laughs* You can always tell when you've been in awhile. You say things like "Only six weeks."

*long pause*

Me: Actually, we've only been married three months.

*long pause*

Co-worker: Well, bless your heart!

I'm glad I come off so nonchalant. I don't feel that way. I've been jumping in with both feet, trying to meet other people, get involved in the spouse group stuff for Einstein's squadron, working, job-hunting, trying to decide how much I actually want to work, obsessing about job interviews, weighing the merits of an enjoyable job vs. one that pays more and is better professionally, trying to hang curtains by myself, etc. Which means I've been busy. It also means that my biggest wish is that Einstein would come home, hug me and say "Stop stressing out! Let's get ice cream!" Which is what he would say, if he were home.

But a compliment from a coworker will work, in the interim.

Preparing for TDY

My husband, Einstein, is busily preparing for his first TDY since our very recent marriage. My feelings about this big event are somewhat mixed. Einstein and I, though newlyweds, grew up in the same very, very small town and have thus known each other for quite some time. On the other hand, we had a long distance relationship for four years, while I and he were away at college and last year we lived in the same general area, but since he was living on base and was very busy most days, we saw each other for a few hours a week at most. This was still heaven compared to the proceeding four years, but you can still imagine my shock when I sat down with a calendar and realized that the upcoming six week TDY will be the longest amount of time we have spent apart in over a year.

This boggles my mind. I know that last year, when he was constantly busy and barely had time for the occasional meet up at Starbucks or Panera, I certainly didn't feel like we were spending much time together, but clearly we were. I'm not sure that I know how to do apartness, anymore. It feels strange and odd and I can't picture what I will do with myself.

This is partially due to the fact that we spent most of the summer at home, since he was on leave, and were never apart for more than a few hours, and this has held true since PCS'ing to our new home, since his training doesn't officially start until November, and he has this upcoming TDY. So he goes to work, checks his email, hangs about the squad room for a bit, does any miscellaneous filing or what not, and then comes home. Since I am still at loose ends, we've ended up doing all of the moving in tasks and errands together, for the most part.

I'm not complaining. I realize that this will probably never, ever happen again. So I'm appreciating it while I can. But it is making it impossible to visualize what it will be like to be alone. I know that I'm going to miss him something fierce.

But there is also a part of me that is excited to prove that I can to do this, that I haven't "lost my touch" with being apart, and that I still have what it takes to survive without him around.

There is also the pragmatic part of me that realizes that this is just the beginning, and I had best get used to it again, because it is going to be like this for a long, long time.