Things that make me...

Nervous: News from places where he might be deployed.
Scared: News of casualties in places where he might be deployed.
Cringe: Casual mention of the places that make me nervous and scared, in a blog post where I don't expect them.

I don't want to be holier than thou. I don't want to make it a thing. I don't want to...anything, really.

Except cry, because I don't know how to tell someone that the joke isn't funny, couldn't ever be funny, if you looked at news from that place the same way I do.

Time to sit and be

Einstein and I don't get to spend too much time just existing in the same space. He is gone half (or more) of the year, and even when he is home, we both work/commute 50-60 hours per week. Our weekends are usually highly social, busy with events and parties and church functions and people.

Today, it was rainy. Today, most of our friends were out of town. Today, we had no plans.

We spent today working on household tasks and chores, dancing around each other to accomplish domestic necessities. And then we sat on the couch and read and surfed and read and surfed and...

And it was glorious. Reading bits of novels and essays back and forth to each other, laughing and enjoying and being together.

High school sweethearts

Reading a tweet from the wonderful Rae today, I was struck again by a stereotype I've encountered again and again....

"Marrying your high school sweetheart is the stupidest thing you could possibly do."

We see it again and again in movies and songs, in people's reactions and commentary. And I see it every time I tell someone how my husband and I met. That's right, Einstein and I were (are?) high school sweethearts.

Why is this considered a bad thing???? I mean, really. I heard (and still hear) things like:

1) You are/were too young to know what you wanted.

Um, okay. Trust me, I knew what I wanted! Here's the thing: if we were too young, we were BOTH too young. And we've grown up together. And because of that, we've grown together, not apart- I always say I fell in love with a boy, and have just kept on falling in love. Why? Because I (we!) work to do that. We aren't the same people we were when we fell in love (more than 10 years ago), thank you, God. I'm actually pretty sure there isn't a magical age where people stop acting like idiots; I'm just glad I found an idiot who has gotten smarter along with me.

2) You can't experience the world with a boy tying you down.

Maybe if you are a codependent person in a relationship with a homebody. Both of us traveled, had separate friends, lived hundreds (sometimes thousands) of miles apart. It wasn't easy. It wasn't always roses and chocolates. But I have experienced more of the world than I would have had the courage to do without him by my side (either physically or mentally).

3) How can you possibly make a decision like that after dating only one guy?

Because I firmly believe that marriage is AT LEAST half determination and commitment. I'm lucky enough that so far the other 50% has been being crazy in love. But I'm pretty sure the determination and commitment will see us through even when the crazy in love dwindles to 5-10%. Also, he is a pretty great guy. Everyone has flaws. Waiting for Prince Charming wouldn't have worked for me; I'm a perfectionist- I would never, ever have found him.

Okay. I could rant a lot more on this one, but I have to go to work in the morning. That's all I've got.

Resolutions

I like making resolutions and goals. I don't really limit myself to making them only in January, but I have found that it is always best when I break resolutions down into habits to start.

2010 was a very strange year. I spent a lot of time in January making a lot of very good plans and resolutions for the year. And then I got a new job and all of my really excellent plans got flushed down the toilet. This wasn't necessarily a bad thing- I love my job, and of all the things that didn't go according to The Plan last year, my job was by far the best. Our life changed in a lot of ways, but I have to say that despite meeting almost none of my goals from last January, I'm very happy with where things are this January. 2010 taught me a lot of lessons about the futility of planning, and the blessings that come wrapped up in having our plans completely wrecked, and also a lot about appreciating every second, because it can change so very fast.

Which means that in 2011, I am trying to concentrate on supporting my New Year's resolutions with habits. I've spent a lot of time thinking about how to break things down into small, daily chunks that I can easily work into my routine. And I am trying very hard to resist the idea that I need to start trying to incorporate all of these habits now. I am going to focus on just a couple during January, and hope that by placing the importance on building the habit, instead of on the results, I will be able to start implementing change.

To 2011!

Putting life on hold

I realized today that, in a lot of ways, I put my life on hold when Einstein is out of town.

The realization came as I was trying to make some financial decisions (nothing major, just trying to decide what to do with extra gas and grocery money that we save when he is gone). I was looking at our finances, playing around with different scenarios, and I thought, well, I will just leave it until he gets home. Thankfully, he is never gone for more than a few months at a time, so I have the luxury of putting off decisions...but in this particular case, it is dumb to wait until he gets home. And since his communication is pretty limited, I don't want to waste his time with the decision. And then I realized...wow, I am putting off a lot of things, while he's gone...

Besides cleaning the house and shaving my legs. there are a few things that I really shouldn't be dragging my feet on, mostly professional decisions that have meaning for our life together. None of them are things that would drastically change our life, they are just things I would like to talk over with him. There is also a laundry list of silly things that I could totally take care of and he wouldn't even notice:

-Finding wall decor for our bedroom
-picking a color to paint the guest room
-buying more memory for my computer
-putting away our summer clothes
-reorganizing the kitchen drawers
-buying a new comforter for our bed

These are not earth shattering decisions. They aren't even things that we would discuss much. I just miss his input and help.

But that isn't enough of an excuse. He's gone too often for me to put life on hold when he's not here.

The other side of the fence

Okay, it is time to come clean.

I'm that girl. The one who volunteers for everything. Who never met a raffle ticket or bake sale that she wouldn't volunteer for. The one who made meals whenever she was called, put her name on the list to organize, volunteered to organize and decorate for events...and felt superior to everyone else because of it.

Or I should say, I used to be that girl.

New base + new squadron + new job = I've become the girl** I used to disdain- the one who says "Look, I'm busy! And what has the squadron done for me?" I used to hate that attitude of entitlement; I had a hard time with people who just showed up to social things, and never put their name down to volunteer. If you wanted something from the squadron, you should give back to it!

But seriously, I can't. I just can't. I've got obligations at work and in our parish and voluteering in the squadron is something that I want to do, but I just can't. And I hate that I used to judge people like me... and I'll be honest, I'm still sort of judging myself. I find myself hesitating to take advantage of squadron resources (or to show up to any events at all) because I haven't volunteered for a single thing, and I'm probably not going to any time soon.

** I would use the gender neutral term here, except I've never met a male spouse who was involved in the squadron spouses groups....lots of great male spouses who were supportive, awesome gentleman who go out of their way to help their friends, yes...but the people decorating for the kids Christmas Party are always women.

Love is here

Love is the things we do when we're not thinking of it.

Love is rocking back and forth, holding a friend who is at the end of their rope.

Love is answering the phone when you don't want to.

Love is sending a funny thought to a friend who can't take any more negativity.

Love is being there when someone else needs you.

Love is not caring if you look like a fool, as long as they feel better.

Do the impossible thing.

Workplace politics

There are politics at any workplace. I get that. I've even experienced it before, in other jobs.

But this is the first time that I've found myself at the center of the maelstrom. And I don't like it. I can't even send out a simple email without causing some kind of ridiculous bruhaha. And because I am (as always) the newest, most junior person around, I have to toe the line and mind my elders and blah blah blah.

What is funny is that I actually LIKE everyone I work with. I don't dislike a single person. I know that other people have SEVERE grudges against other people- but it doesn't bother me. I get along with everyone on a personal level. But there is a LOT of backlash to things I start/suggest.

Also, the thing that sucks about libraries vs. the Air Force? The Air Force has a clear command structure. You know if someone is your peer or not. You know who you can vent to, who you have to be respectful of, etc. Even though Einstein is sometimes in a weird place with relating to people (I think it happens to everyone from time to time) for the most part he knows where he stands.

I never know where I stand with people.

But I do love my job. :-D

How much do you share at work?

A friend recently shared with me that her coworkers had been horrified to find out (through a conversation with another spouse who happened to run into her while out at lunch with said coworkers) that her husband was deployed.

She hadn't said a word. Around here, where deployments are short but grindingly frequent, people rarely do. It's certainly not something I would share with my coworkers, much as I like them. Living in another community, with a long commute to work, makes it a little easier for me to separate the two "parts" of my life, so I don't worry too much about my coworkers "finding out" by my friend's dilemma made me think...

Were her coworkers justified in their hurt? Should she have confided in them? Would my coworkers be upset in a similar circumstance? Should I at least be telling my boss, or someone at work? For safety reasons, if nothing else?

It also made me think about what I call military voyeurism, for lack of a better term. I don't want sympathy, special treatment or sighs. In this community, there is plenty of support from other spouses, etc- my friend didn't need support, and definitely didn't want to deal with sighing, clucking or questions she can't answer, so she didn't say anything to her coworkers. Now she has two coworkers who are angry at her (I have been trying to figure out their logic, but not having a middle school mentality is hurting me on this one!).

I'm not planning to change my own plans and methods, but the situation did make me think.

Appreciation

My job has combined with Einstein's unpredictable schedule to make our time together even more scarce than usual. So when he unexpectedly got a one day pass to take leave (leave is very scarce on the ground around these parts!), we wanted to take advantage.

I aggressively cleared my calendar for our midweek day off. There was a training going on I needed to attend? Sorry, I'm out that day. My boss needed a meeting with me? Sorry, I was taking a vacation day- it was on the calendar! Oh, wait, we need someone to take care of prep for an orientation group! Someone else will have to take care of it.

We were going to have a day all to ourselves. In the middle of the week. No errands, no chores, no mandatory fun to attend, no parties with other people, no nothing. Just the two of us.

And then, the inevitable call: "Honey, I'm really, really sorry...there was a blah blah blah blah blah and it looks like the only way to fix it is for me to work on that day." I was sad, and angry, and frustrated and all of the other things you would expect- but I felt bad for him, since he was clearly miserable about. I asked (without any real hope) if there was any way around it, explaining that I had spent the past week or so putting things off, packing other days with back to back meetings, and generally pushing things aside to make room for our little one day vacation. But, I said, I understood. I tried in vain to find another day on my calendar that would work, but since I had worked so hard to clear that day, I was booked solid for the next 2 weeks.

And then, lo and behold, wonder of wonders: the scheduler made it work. We are got our day together, thanks to the ingenuity of the scheduler, Einstein's persistence and the genuine human kindness of all involved.

So I want to express my appreciation to all involved. I'm especially grateful for people who, instead of going with the suck it up mentality that I see so often, really make an effort to make things as bearable as possible. In a squadron where people are gone as much or more than they are home, the people (and their actions) make all the difference!

Book 1: An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor

After just over one hour of reading, I've finished my first book of the 48-hour book challenge:

An Altar in the World: A geography of faith by Barbara Brown Taylor

I'm sure I saw it recommended somewhere, but I don't remember where. I put books in a TBR list, and I don't always put down where they are rec'd from. I'm glad I jotted this one down, though.

Taylor, a former Episcopalian priest, gives the book a subtitle that might be slightly misleading to the average reader. By calling it a "geography of faith" she sets an expectation of a sampling of world religions, but as she unapolagetically explains in the first few chapters, while she has definitely gathered practices from other faiths, and knows enough about them to identify commonalities and departure points, this book is essentially based in Christian though and practice.

While it wasn't what I expected, her space-rather-than-map-centered-geography was an excellent read. Each of the twelve chapters focused on a particular practice or idea that would help people base their spiritual lives not in some ephemeral otherworld, but in the concrete, hands-on actions and interactions of daily life.

I enjoyed it a lot, and I'm already thinking of which friends I want to pass it along to.

Thoughts on the military and the idea of work/life balance

I found a new blog yesterday, and have been eagerly reading some of her very thoughtful posts. While many have been bookmarked for later reference, and nearly all have made me think, one in particular has prompted me to think about how the military interacts with mine and my husband's true vocation, marriage.

Her post discusses a strange but true fact of career planning in mainstream America, that:

"The notion of consider the kind of daily life you would like to lead is absent from professional career planning as any of us experienced it. Not in college, not in high school, not back in grade school when we were drawing pictures of What We Will Be When We Grow Up. Sure, there's advice to consider the kind of work you want to do. But the notion of choosing a career path that is well-matched to the kind of life you want to lead outside work is completely foreign."

This has been an issue of some contention for Einstein and I from the very start. I, after all, longed for us to have careers that made family life the center of our lives, as it was for both our families growing up. Einstein, while aware that the military was in many ways incompatible with that vision, felt truly called to his profession, and both of us made what we felt was a mature, well-informed decision that he should stay in the military, that we should marry, and that he should plan on a full 20 year military career*. We had long discussions about the military, about moving around the country, about the moral doctrines of just war and the effects that the lifestyle would have on any sort of academic or library career that I would want to have. We discussed the effects on our future children of frequent moves, being far from family, etc. We have had a series of similar discussions at two other points since then: when he decided to be a pilot, rather than an engineer and when we had to submit his "dream sheet" of aircraft choices.

What we did not discuss, at all, was what our daily life would look like. Mostly, that was because we had no clue. Daily life in the military (at least in my experience) fluctuates so much dependent upon job, base, leadership, and a billion other factors as to be indescribable. Einstein's Air Force uncles and their wives did their best to prepare us, but neither of us had the slightest idea of what we were getting into.

I am not talking about deployments. Einstein entered the Air Force post-9/11. We both understood that deployments were a foregone conclusion. I am talking about the when-he-is-home time. I had no idea that his schedule would be so varied, so unpredictable, so dependent on weather and mechanical breakdowns and the often seemingly insane whims of leadership. No one told me about long hours spent at work studying material in the vault. Everyone focuses on moving and deployment, but no one that talked to me (and I talked to a LOT of people) thought to discuss the long, unpredictable hours, the lack of weekends and ability to take sick leave to care for a child and a million other little details that pervade daily life in the military.

As we constantly evaluate our disposition toward having children, Einstein and I have come to the uncomfortable realization that while we feel equipped to deal with the moves and being far from family, the daily grind of military life and deployments make us feel that our daily life isn't really suited to children. I am not saying that we will continue to try to avoid pregnancy; not at all! After all, our first commitment is to God and to each other, and that commitment includes the promise of children. But if we could go back in time, would we choose this life? Maybe not. At this point, though, we are committed* and so we try to find ways to make our daily life work as we want it with the circumstances we find ourselves in. And in that, I don't think we are that different from any family, military or not.

*I don't know if Einstein will stay in the full 20. With his commitment after pilot training (10 years) plus his time in service before pilot training, he will be near enough to his 20 by the time he can get out to make it a pretty ridiculous idea...but you never know.

NOTE: This is not meant to be a "Oh civilians have it so easy" post. I'm just trying to get some thoughts of my own out and see if I can make better sense of it by writing it out.

And then I found a new job

I haven't posted in almost two months because I got a new job.

Not only did I get a new job, but I crossed over to the dark side.

I am now working in an academic library. And I love it. I mean, really really really love it. I thought I would miss working with little kids. I thought I would miss all of the funny stories. I thought I would miss a lot of things. But I don't!

So I have been busy loving my new job. And Einstein and I have been getting used to a very new dynamic: I am working as much or more than he is. Between my commute time (around 2 hrs per day) and the fact that I have been working way more than 40 hrs a week while trying to get my head above water, things have shifted in our house. He is home by himself a lot. He is doing all of the grocery shopping (and doing a great job, I might add!).

Things are settled down a little now, though, so I just want to say that I have lots of ideas for posts, and I really am planning to write them. Soon.

Ribbit?

I frequently greet patron's with a cheery "Hi!" followed by one of two questions:

"What can I help you with?"

or

"How are you today?" (this second one is especially appropriate when they have a stack of books ready to check out...I know how I can help them, I don't need to ask!)

Today, I asked a patron how she was, and got this answer:

"I'm finer than a frog's hair split three ways and sifted through silk."

I'm not going to lie, I didn't really know what to make of that response. She said it very very cheerfully, and obviously any such hair would have to be very, very, VERY fine, thus making her very happy. Except...frog's don't even have hair, do they? And if that's the case, then maybe she was trying to say that she was really unhappy?

I honestly don't know.

Einstein's take on eye makeup

I don't wear a lot of eye makeup. I mean, I wear it, but not a ton.

So today I was trying out a new look, in preparation for the squadron Christmas party. It is a "nighttime look" complete with eye makeup that could be termed "dramatic". In other words, its a heck of a lot darker than anything I normally wear.

When I walked out to show Einstein, he was on the phone. He made a face like he was sucking on a lemon and made a flapping gesture around his eyes. I took this to mean he didn't like the look. I went back in the bathroom and messed around some more. After he got off the phone I asked him what he didn't like.

"The eyes are too dark. I don't like it. Well, I guess its not too bad if you stand in the shadows."

Yes, dear, that was kind of the point. After I tried to explain this to him, he came out with this little gem:

"Well, you look like a fourteen year old at the New Moon premiere. Or a second lieutenant wife. Or a cougar. Or something."

Considering that not so long ago, I was a 2LT wife, I'm not really sure how to take that comment. But I am going to go crack open a bottle of makeup remover. And find some other eye makeup for the party.

Murphy's law of TDY's strikes again

Maybe its because things just seem worse when he's gone, or maybe it really is Murphy out to get me, but as soon as he's TDY something always breaks, or some emergency crops up or whatever.

The worst part is that I then have to make decisions. I am normally a pretty go-to type of person. I don't mind making decisions.

But I also like talking those decisions over before I make them. With, you know, the person who 1) usually lives here and thus has a pretty good read on the situation; 2) is not prone to hysterics and 3) will be most impacted by any property damage/costs incurred/etc by whatever decision I make.

Unfortunately, I'm in the driver's seat with no one to bounce things off of.

If he doesn't like how things turn out, he can complain to the Air Force.

one thing I love about the air force

My husband is okay with making cookies.I'm not saying Navy/Marines/Army aren't...but...

I know that some branches (our friend T who is Navy) think that the AF is a little out there, but Einstein is making cookies for me right now, which is pretty sweet. And I'm with my sis, and talking about a million things. Seriously, though, I love our new location, and our base, and and and...my baby sister is here, which is better than anything.


nomad.

A glimpse into the life I could have had

I have a new job in a nearby library! This is a very good thing, since it gets me out of the house and gives me another arena to focus on. I needed that, more than I did at the last place we lived. Things have been harder for me to adjust to, here, despite loving the location far more than our old one.

Anyway, my new job! I like it, its cool, and now that I'm settled in, hopefully I can get back to posting on a regular basis.

Yesterday I had a chance to really talk with one of my coworkers. She's about my age, and we have really similar dispositions, etc. And after talking with her for awhile, I realized that she is a lot like the person I would have been if I hadn't married Einstein. She's attached to her extended family, and after some exploring moved home to be near them. She loves her work and derives most of her satisfaction from it.

I could have been like that. If things had turned out differently. Instead, I am living this nomadic lifestyle, far from my family (and right now, from my friends, too, until I make new ones!). I don't mind it, because Einstein is worth it. But it was interesting to spend a conversation seeing what might have been, and seeing that despite all the draws (my coworker has a pretty sweet life!) I would still rather have Einstein's and my life, with all its hassles and inconveniences, than live a life that didn't include him.

Flexibility is the key to milspouse power

Tonight is not the first time that I have had to back out of plans at the last minute because Einstein's schedule changed.

It is not even the first time that I have had to call people to cancel an event that we were supposed to host.

So when he called to tell me to cancel our plans for tonight, I did. I didn't ask why, I merely said "No problem" and asked if he would be home tonight at all. While I wouldn't say that I'm a pro, I definitely know that his "work schedule" is a fluid thing, subject to change without notice. I've learned not to ask "why" because honestly, even when I can decode the acronyms, I rarely understand the reasoning. And, frankly, they "why" doesn't matter.

After I had called our guests to reschedule, stored the food, pulled out the wine I had started to chill, I stopped for a moment. I looked around the house, which while not exactly up to Martha Stewart standards, was clearly ready for a dinner party and I thought to myself: Taco Bell or McDonald's?

And then it struck me that maybe, just maybe, despite all the aspects of military life that I struggle with, I might be starting to get a handle on that key ingredient in the life of a military spouse: flexibility. Because honestly, despite a moments irritation at having to call my guests, I am fine with postponing our party. I'm fine with going to get some fast food, curling up on the couch to watch a chick flick, and going to bed alone. Not exactly what I had planned for the evening, but I'm actually okay with it. Two years ago, I definitely would have been way more put out by all of this.

So yeah. I'm going to co-opt one of the Air Force's favorite tag lines, and say (with some authority) that just as (or even more than) "flexibility is the key to airpower" , flexibility is the key to maintaining sanity in a military household.

The PCS that ate my life

When Einstein and I moved here, we did a DITY move.

I made him swear to me that we would never, ever do one again as long as we lived.
(In case you're worried, we're not. He tried to talk me into it and I told him that he could use the money we made on the DITY to pay for a divorce lawyer. Like I said, NEVER AGAIN.)

I was so excited about this PCS. I had all of these dreams, filled with soft, muted light and sappy music, where the movers came, packed all of our stuff and we blissfully set off for our next adventure. Stress free. Full of happiness and joy. Everything easy, simple and care-free.

Just thinking about my naivete makes me want to laugh hysterically. Or maybe just have hysterics, screw the laughter.

Our last move, despite being a DITY move, had a TON of lead time. We have plenty of lead time for this one as well, but working right up until we move is stressing me out. Between trying to convince Einstein to rent, looking at houses, researching mortgage options, separating out the stuff we're packing with us, saying goodbye to friends, etc etc etc I feel like I am losing my mind.

Don't even get me started on job hunting. Once I have my feet under me again, I have a whole series of posts fleshed out on why librarian is the best milspouse job ever, milspouse jobs in general and other related topics. But I'm too busy trying to find a job to post it! I feel a little crazy...when we moved here, I allowed myself to wait until we were moved in to start looking, but this time around I feel like I need to find a job BEFORE we get there. Which is nearly impossible, honestly. Although I may die trying.