Thoughts on the military and the idea of work/life balance

I found a new blog yesterday, and have been eagerly reading some of her very thoughtful posts. While many have been bookmarked for later reference, and nearly all have made me think, one in particular has prompted me to think about how the military interacts with mine and my husband's true vocation, marriage.

Her post discusses a strange but true fact of career planning in mainstream America, that:

"The notion of consider the kind of daily life you would like to lead is absent from professional career planning as any of us experienced it. Not in college, not in high school, not back in grade school when we were drawing pictures of What We Will Be When We Grow Up. Sure, there's advice to consider the kind of work you want to do. But the notion of choosing a career path that is well-matched to the kind of life you want to lead outside work is completely foreign."

This has been an issue of some contention for Einstein and I from the very start. I, after all, longed for us to have careers that made family life the center of our lives, as it was for both our families growing up. Einstein, while aware that the military was in many ways incompatible with that vision, felt truly called to his profession, and both of us made what we felt was a mature, well-informed decision that he should stay in the military, that we should marry, and that he should plan on a full 20 year military career*. We had long discussions about the military, about moving around the country, about the moral doctrines of just war and the effects that the lifestyle would have on any sort of academic or library career that I would want to have. We discussed the effects on our future children of frequent moves, being far from family, etc. We have had a series of similar discussions at two other points since then: when he decided to be a pilot, rather than an engineer and when we had to submit his "dream sheet" of aircraft choices.

What we did not discuss, at all, was what our daily life would look like. Mostly, that was because we had no clue. Daily life in the military (at least in my experience) fluctuates so much dependent upon job, base, leadership, and a billion other factors as to be indescribable. Einstein's Air Force uncles and their wives did their best to prepare us, but neither of us had the slightest idea of what we were getting into.

I am not talking about deployments. Einstein entered the Air Force post-9/11. We both understood that deployments were a foregone conclusion. I am talking about the when-he-is-home time. I had no idea that his schedule would be so varied, so unpredictable, so dependent on weather and mechanical breakdowns and the often seemingly insane whims of leadership. No one told me about long hours spent at work studying material in the vault. Everyone focuses on moving and deployment, but no one that talked to me (and I talked to a LOT of people) thought to discuss the long, unpredictable hours, the lack of weekends and ability to take sick leave to care for a child and a million other little details that pervade daily life in the military.

As we constantly evaluate our disposition toward having children, Einstein and I have come to the uncomfortable realization that while we feel equipped to deal with the moves and being far from family, the daily grind of military life and deployments make us feel that our daily life isn't really suited to children. I am not saying that we will continue to try to avoid pregnancy; not at all! After all, our first commitment is to God and to each other, and that commitment includes the promise of children. But if we could go back in time, would we choose this life? Maybe not. At this point, though, we are committed* and so we try to find ways to make our daily life work as we want it with the circumstances we find ourselves in. And in that, I don't think we are that different from any family, military or not.

*I don't know if Einstein will stay in the full 20. With his commitment after pilot training (10 years) plus his time in service before pilot training, he will be near enough to his 20 by the time he can get out to make it a pretty ridiculous idea...but you never know.

NOTE: This is not meant to be a "Oh civilians have it so easy" post. I'm just trying to get some thoughts of my own out and see if I can make better sense of it by writing it out.

Uniform confusion

Einstein's brother is in the Army.

We're headed up to visit him, and while we are there, he'll be graduating from the training he is at right now. This has led to some confusion as to what uniform to wear. Since we rarely get a chance to talk with Einstein's brother, I asked his folks if the invitation they had received had a note about the uniform. They had no clue. Einstein finally got a chance to talk to his brother this weekend, and was told that the UOD was "greens".

Since there is no green Air Force uniform (except his flight suit, which I'm fairly sure is inappropriate for the ceremony we're attending) I set out on the internet to find out whether "greens" meant Einstein should wear his blue service dress or his mess dress.

The answer (which is what I assumed anyway) is service dress.

But in the process I discovered reason number 472 why I love the Air Force. When Einstein is trying to decipher the appropriate uniform for the occassion, here are his choices: mess dress, service dress, blues, ACU's/flight suit. That's it. The comparison chart I found is INSANE. Class A, B, C, D; green, blue, white, summer, winter, etc etc. How do you keep it straight? Do you have an entire other closet for all of those uniforms? I feel like the four we have to deal with (blues and service dress are basically the same) take over my closets as it is!

**Einstein is demanding that I include the fact that he wishes the AF would hurry up and do the uniform switch over they've been talking about for the past five years, because he thinks the current service dress makes them look like airline pilots. I think the "new" proposed service dress makes them look like they are going to take orders from Emperor Palpatine. If you want to see the proposed change, look here.

Are all of those different uniforms confusing? How often do people mess up and wear the wrong thing?

Since Einstein's brother is in the Army and his two best friends are in the Navy and the Marines...I saved this for future reference.

I don't understand

My mother has made a very strange request.

She wants a picture of Einstein and I for the family Christmas letter.

She wants a picture of Einstein and I where he ISN'T in uniform.

Uhm?

I'm trying to understand this request. It wouldn't be a problem, except for the unfortunate fact that other than pictures where he is in uniform, the only pictures we have of the past year are ones where either one of us (or both of us) is inebriated or where I look hideous. Truly awful.

So I told her I didn't have a photo of us that fit her requirements, and asked if I could just send her one with him in uniform.

She said no, she wanted one that was about "our" life and not "his" life.

WHAT? This IS my life. This is OUR life. The military is not some strange hobby of his; it is our life. Yes, I have my own career, my own hobbies. But seriously...I just don't get it.

My mom is not anti-military. She has never seemed to have a problem like this one in the past. I know she is frustrated because most of the pictures that I send are of him with planes, but honestly, that's what we take pictures of! Sorry! That and cheesy shots of my Christmas tree, but whatever.

I don't know if anyone has any insights; I'm not sure what to think.

Oh, Family Gatherings

Sometimes I feel bad for relatives of military people. I can slot pretty much all of our extended family (and the extended family of our military friends) into four categories:

1) Military relatives. Obviously they "get it." While you may not like their Jalepeño Apple Pie, you don't have to worry about dumb questions from them (usually).

2) Endless Questioners. "So do you really move that much? Can't you just tell them you don't want to deploy? What types of planes are those again? How long is your commitment? Do you think...." The worst form of this is the relatives who don't understand "I can't tell you what I know about that" or "I can't talk about that." I am always embarrassed for them (after all, I know how it feels to be told that Einstein can't tell me something) but I am also constantly shocked at how people try to get around it by continuing to ask questions about a topic he has told them is off limits!!! What is that about??

3) The Know-it-Alls. This type of relative (I have a LOT of this type) are the ones who never served a day in the military in their lives, but know all about the military. They seem to honestly believe that they know it all and are constantly trying to impress Einstein (and whatever other poor souls are sitting on the deck with him) with their encyclopedic "knowledge." Some of these types are fairly harmless, and can even be amusing (the uncle who always tries to finish Einstein's sentences and is crestfallen when he is wrong). Some of them (my uncle) are annoying, patronizing and dead wrong about pretty much everything. ("You'll see how it is after you've been in awhile" Um, excuse me? You were never IN the military!) Also, this type tends to think they know more than me (the little wifey). Naturally, this makes them my least favorite.

4) The Oblivious. These range from those who have no understanding/experience with the military, and who have so little concept of what the lifestyle is like that they do not even realize the differences from their own lives. Some of these are the apathetic relatives, who also tend to be narcissistic. My least favorite is this type are those who actively dismiss you after they hear about the military affiliation. That drives me crazy!

My revelation for the weekend is this: it is hard for the "civilian" relatives to break free from these categories, because if you don't ask a million questions or act like you know it all, I am liable to think you are Oblivious. So what is my perfect relative like?

They are as interested in asking questions about Einstein's life as they are in asking questions about his cousin's med school antics. They never assume they know more than he does. And they don't dwell on it overlong (for instance, trapping Einstein in a corner the entire night of a family barbecue and grilling him about military life) before moving on to other topics.

When not to share

Einstein is in pilot training right now. Two facts about AF pilot training. Most people are single. And most of those single people are guys. One of my best friends here is also in pilot training. Since she (Elvira) is often the only female surrounded by scads and scads of men, and it seems as though I am always cooking and cleaning and entertaining the scores of single men who view my house as a place of wonder, cleanliness, and home cooking, we like to get together for girl time. This is all just set up for the main part of the story, mainly that:

This weekend, as we were scarfing down our mint chocolate chip ice cream and discussing what color to get our toenails painted, I asked Elvira how her week had gone.

"Well, other than almost dying on Friday, great!"

"What?!?" Mouth oozing green ice cream.

Now, as my husband later pointed out, almost dying is not exactly uncommon in the military. But honestly, this is a training base, so I don't hear about things like what happened very often. What did happen was an awful horrible could-have-been-fatal incident involving a faulty oxygen regulator and a solo flight. Now you have to understand that Elvira has that sense of humor I've found that most pilots have. I think it might be military wide. So naturally, the story ended up being the funniest thing I'd heard all week. There were ambulances, flight medicine, forms, helmet bags, worried coworkers, psychic mothers and plenty of laughter and hand waving in her recitation.

So naturally, I had to share the story. Everyone I told it to reacted with horror first (of course), worry second (naturally) and then laughter, eye rolling and rueful head shaking when I got into all of the details.

Until I decided to tell my mother-and-father-in-law. Somehow they didn't find Elvira's story as funny as I and my military friends had. I see the planes every day. I know what Einstein is doing when he heads in to work. I realize that it is dangerous. But his parents are very isolated from that. I don't think they want to accept it. They were very, very upset, and it took me half an hour to get them convinced that, really, the planes are safe. Really, training is safe. Really, it is more dangerous for him on the drive to work than when he is flying.

So next time I have a "great" story to share, I'm going to stop and think about my audience before I launch into it.